There was always a nagging feeling that none of it was real
I don’t really know where to start. I am from Bay Area of California, I am the daughter of a staunch atheist father who vowed never to step foot in church again after his confirmation in the Roman Catholic church at 15, and a “Catholics for Choice” mother who lacks belief in hell and wants all abusive priests to come to justice. I can vaguely remember the concepts of some nightmares I had as a child about Jesus - moaning in torture, blood dripping and I remember feeling guilt. I remember idolizing the nuns, they marched for choice and helped Catholic girls get to appointments at Planned Parenthood, they drank at baptism parties. I found them “cool” I guess.
According to my childhood diaries, my journey to atheism started with 10 year old me asking my dad where he thinks we go when we die; he said “nowhere sweetie we just stay in the ground and have no consciousness,” which was a shock to me because I remember him saying there was heaven, Santa, etc. years before. This scared me, I know it gave me anxiety thinking of being stuck deep underground. It made me ponder things, it shook the foundation of a house I had built on emotion. There was always a nagging feeling that none of it was real, that I was faking it, and dad only tore that into being.
My first break from Catholicism began with the movie The Craft. The religion in the Craft is mostly fictional, but it parallels Wicca fundamentally which I discovered via my curiosity alongside most of my 6th grade peers at the time. I became Wiccan and was a Wiccan for I guess 16 or so years, nearing the end I realized spells are more of a psychological thing. Spells work because one has thought about what they want, and unconsciously gravitates towards making it happen - no magic necessary. This realization lead me to becoming more open to science and psychology, and I began heated and angry debates with theists online. I tired of this angry attitude years later and today all I care about is whether or not people foster the lack of rights and abuse.
Today I applaud pro-choice theists, it makes me happy to see them feel the love of their deities after they’ve done away with abusive rulings in their holy books. I mostly avoid arguing the existence of deities in favor of just making friendly connections with religious loved ones.
My best friend is a progressive Christian, I respect her deeply and love her devotion to spreading love and friendliness through her God. I love where I live, as most religious people here believe in “live and let live” and peace.
I do often have to work on remaining friendly and understanding, and I cringe at the thougt of unleashing any mean feelings on well-meaning kind strangers. This inner work I do has become set in tone by the existence of Invisible Pink Unicorn, because I used to think I was the only one who was tired of being so angry and unforgiving. Thank you Invisible Pink Unicorn, you really have inspired me to bloom into myself.
🌹Catalina M. Farruggio 🌹